AFL/NBA Comparisons – A Brand New & Inventive Way To Make Me Upset About Essendon
This is something I've wanted to do for the longest time.
When I first drafted it, Essendon and the New York Knicks were buddies on the comparison board.
Unfortunately for me, that is no longer true.
The Knicks are NBA champs!
Essendon are still very much… Essendon.
The new comparison is way more depressing.
Adelaide Crows – Houston Rockets
They're the tough team that went back-to-back in the 90’s and have more up years than down. The team that has a rich history.
The names that have worn these jerseys are inseparable from the clubs themselves.
Close your eyes and picture the Adelaide Crows jersey.
You're seeing Andrew McLeod have defenders tackling air and Tony Modra taking hangers.
Now picture the Houston Rockets jersey.
Hakeem's wagging his finger. Harden's taking somewhere between two and seventeen steps before another step-back three.
One thing both enjoy is always having to be included in the conversation. A brilliantly imperfect regular season, followed by an utterly spectacular fail once the important stuff starts.
Not sure if the Crows have had any burner scandals lately, they did take Wayne Carey after his little bathroom dalliance however, so I reckon we have a couple of glass house dwellers who shouldn’t be loading up on rocks.
Brisbane Lions – New York Knicks
Sometimes comparisons are hard and you need to get the pin board out and start stringing, but sometimes, like this one, they’re just really fucking straightforward.
Imagine being a really good team, in a really good city. Must be fucking nice.
Both clubs OWN their real estate, and Robin won’t be getting delusions of grandeur anytime soon.
Looking at you, Brooklyn and Gold Coast.
Losers.
Carlton Blues – Chicago Bulls
How one mob can still strut around with the swagger and arrogance of someone who did something 30 odd years ago is honestly impressive. To be fair, I kind of respect it.
I still show off my State Karate Gold Medals from my class that had a grand total of one competitor. Fought myself and still nearly got the silver.
Both clubs dine out on 90s success.
“How’s SOS at full back?! Jeez you can’t beat him and Sticks as a forward/back duo.”
“Oh shit, here comes another MJ masterclass. Him and Pip have had enough of this mob.”
The only problem? The rest of us remember it's 2026.
Collingwood Magpies – Los Angeles Lakers
Both are the biggest club in the league without much question, and that generally raises the following conundrum:
You either hate them…or you're an absolute flog.
No middle ground.
Pick a side Switzerland.
Essendon Bombers – Sacramento Kings
Most likely to invoke a "they fucking did what?!" reaction from fans every off-season for at least 2 to 3 transactions?
Check
Not completely shit by record, but stuck in that horrifying middle ground where you’re never bad enough to reset and never good enough to matter?
Check
Even in years they "succeed" (see light the beam year, or Essendon making the finals) they not only don’t land the plane, they put on a 4th of July type air show while they’re crashing out.
All for the cycle to begin again.
Fremantle Dockers – Los Angeles Clippers
As a little brother to 3, I empathise with these teams. They're the B players in their own town, and the big brother they're competing with has all the rope.
All of it.
They may as well go fucking rock climbing; they have that much.
And guess what?
They're giving you none of that rope, even when you're heaps better than them and deserve even the smallest piece of yarn.
Definitely not a subconscious psychological self evaluation of ya boy here.
Geelong Cats – San Antonio Spurs
Quick rundown of most seasons:
Wow, look at this list! It’s finally going to happen! They’re finally going to fall off the cliff!
Season starts
Who the fuck is this bloke and where did they find him? Off the scrap heap? Yeah right.
Another prelim. Another conference final.
The sheer inability to not be a professional outfit is infuriating.
Gold Coast Suns – New Orleans Pelicans
You look up and down the rosters, and find yourself saying over and over
"Fuck I like that guy" or
"Oh shit he's going to break out this season",
Then you check back in at the end of the season, because you couldn’t give two shits about either of these teams during it, and they're still below relevance.
Greater Western Sydney Giants – Toronto Raptors
GWS might as well be a different country from the rest of the AFL. You know these teams are in the competition, but your mind just kind of blanks them out, until they actually do something.
They always seem to have talented lists, but you also don’t care about that, or them.
Considering how short their franchise histories are, it’s low key annoying how successful they’ve been.
Toronto have won a chip and they’ve been around for less than 30 years. The Giants have made a dang Grand Final.
I’d multiply how many more finals than Essendon they’ve won since entering the comp, but unfortunately anything times zero is still zero.
Hawthorn Hawks – Boston Celtics
Massive teams with forever high expectations, and the fucking attitude to boot.
These teams have an aura of arrogance, which somehow gets passed onto their supporters, with real front runner vibes from both bases.
When they’re losing, they’ll get a little bit punchy.
When they’re winning, they’ll remember the membership card is in the bedside table, and all of a sudden not have dinner plans that night, so they can use their season ticket.
Melbourne Demons – Atlanta Hawks
What’s wild about this one is that both fan bases knew what had to happen before the clubs did. And then, once it became painfully obvious, both organisations looked at the giant flashing warning sign and decided: "Nah, she'll be right."
Trae Young was out with injuries a lot, but the thing is when he was out something happened:
Atlanta looked better.
Jalen Johnson was turning into an All-Star. Dyson Daniels was getting more minutes to absolutely smother the opposing team’s best player. All of a sudden, the lineups made more sense.
It’s the same with Melbourne. It clearly was not working, and this probably wasn’t so much a talent thing as it was a culture thing. Petracca and Oliver had run their race with the Demons for one reason or another, and it was time to cut bait.
They won a flag. Trac won a Norm Smith. Those achievements don't disappear. But that was five years ago, and they were already three years past the point where they could realistically recapture that magic.
Besides — know what a good Plan B is?
Have the game's greatest ruckman put the ball down the throat of whoever is next in line and turn them into prime Dangerfield for five-minute bursts.
North Melbourne Kangaroos – Washington Wizards
Been shit for the longest time, but is the wheel finally turning?
I kind of see it with North. The talent is oozing out. Every time I’ve watched them, their handballing in tight is honestly a thing of beauty.
It's what I imagine Essendon think they look like, much like me thinking I have Klay Thompson's shooting mechanics.
Wizards getting AJ while having guys like Kyshawn, Tre Johnson, Sarr and even Will Riley feels very Kangaroos-y – I slowly hear the cogs turning more.
Let’s just hope Trae Young doesn’t play his usual wrench role and halt all operations.
Damn, sorry Trae, cross comparison shots being fired.
Port Adelaide – Memphis Grizzlies
The blue-collar team who would definitely be on the trowel and screed from 5AM to pub o'clock if ball sports didn’t get in the way.
In most iterations, they're just a bitch to play. The team you circle on the calendar for all the wrong reasons.
They might beat you, you might beat them.
Either way, have the ice bath prepped.
Richmond Tigers – Golden State Warriors
This one might shit me more than the Essendon one.
I’m fully aware Essendon is a laughing stock, and that lines up perfectly with their brother laughing stock of the NBA.
But this one?
I love the Dubs.
I fucking hate Richmond.
In the first draft of this, it took me reaching into a whole other postcode to avoid putting Richmond next to my favourite NBA team.
Lleyton Hewitt and Roger Federer got mentioned? Must have been some strong salts at bath time.
Both have had moments and fun teams.
Both have had cult status players.
But both were always fun, not feared.
Then — overnight — they were everything.
Dynasties of the 2010s that redefined the way the game is still played today.
Golden State introduced small ball death lineups that could kill a game by shooting. Richmond reinvented pressure football with their smothering game style.
For that period, every other club felt the walls closing in.
These days? Richmond has already paid the bill and left the restaurant.
Golden State is trying to negotiate another round with the waiter through slurred words and a flag pole in a hurricane sway.
The problem is I’ve seen this movie before, and it ends with Steph Curry walking off a court with no answers, while I stare into the distance wondering how the hell Richmond got there first.
StKilda Saints – Philadelphia 76ers
Well, for starters, they have a collective premiership drought of 103 years.
That's...something.
Both clubs have almost cult-like supporter bases. Every few years they assemble a list that convinces you this is finally the one, only to find a new and inventive way to fall agonisingly short.
They're also the undisputed heavyweight champions of losing games in utterly ridiculous circumstances, while somehow winning games they had absolutely no business winning.
Sydney Swans – Indiana Pacers
See the disclaimer on the Brisbane/New York comparison.
These two are always in the mix (yes, a Haliburton-less Pacers were not in the mix last season I’m aware, get a grip)
Sydney admittedly is a bit flashier and can lure free agents, but neither team ever really sucks somehow?
They're constantly retooling, never rebuilding.
West Coast Eagles – Dallas Mavericks
Both these clubs have scaled the mountain top and have had the absolute top tier talent to thank for it. What they’ve had to realise is that you don’t go down Aisle 42 at Bunno’s and chuck a Dirk, Judd or Cousins in the shopping trolley.
Both have the hope they have now wheeled through the checkout with the next edition in Cooper Flagg and Harley Reid.
Western Bulldogs – Denver Nuggets
Did someone say a generational talent with an unhealthy load to carry?
The Bulldogs and Nuggets better stump up for Joker and Bont's (affectionately referred to as Marcus Beltenpotty by Iggy) chiropractor bills the rest of their lives, because they're not even carrying the bags up the mountain anymore, they're carrying the entire fucking mountain.
They both also won their flags and everyone thought they were ready to take over. Turns out one bloke can drag the horse to water, but at some point, a few others have to figure out how to make the fucking thing drink.
So, there you have it. The first annual.
In closing, apologies to Trae Young for the strays, but as usual, no apologies to Essendon.
Just be fucking better.
Please.