An Absolute Pi(e)sstake

Ok this is some Grade A, uncut, pure Colombian bullshit and we need to have a grown arse discussion about it.

I was furious last night watching it, but was way too drunk to write anything. I thought it might be the old classic of writing a pissed off email, letting it sit overnight, and rereading it with a fresh mindset in the morning.

But here I am, on the couch with a cracking headache, 3 kids crawling and jumping all over me, a missus who quite rightfully has no sympathy for me, no matter how many pathetic beached whale noises I make, and I'm still seething inside.

The Collingwood Magpies can go and get absolutely fucked.

Generally, I don't wish bad for people, that's not a lane I want to merge into, but in this instance? 

I want them to be bad. 

Properly bad. 

I want them to lose.

A lot.

I want them to be locked into the North Melbourne Sunday arvo slot.

I want the supporters to suffer.

I want them to question why the fuck they made the effort to go to the game.

I want them to be furious that they would part with their dollars and cents to go watch this rabble play.

Unfortunately, because they have been kissed on the dick by the world’s foremost witch doctor for the last 4 seasons, they refuse to lean into the shitness. They just roll out another maddeningly professional football team.

Teams get lucky once or twice, but apparently Collingwood have made the strategic club wide decision to build their entire game plan around tin-arsing about, and eventually snatching a win from the jaws of defeat.

They're the tight arse Tuesday AFL version of Survivor. They outwit occasionally, they outplay sometimes, but they outlast constantly.

Now, anyone that knows me, or has read a certain couple of other pieces on world renowned website coffeeotis.com.au can probably piece together where this fury, at what is essentially standard competency, comes from.

Iggy is really getting into football, and he can very much navigate his way through a TV to find YouTube. This means we have an endless stream of absolute garbage AFL videos on. 

I have watched one such video at least 50 times that literally just shows the premiership winner each year, with the score, and a counting tally for total flags. All this from 1897 - brilliant year for Essendon. Great content.

The video that did catch my eye was each team’s latest win in a game. Essentially after the siren goals. I shit you not, Essendon features in 4 different teams’ videos, all them defeating Essendon after the siren. Essendon's video doesn't exist as it was a goal after the siren against University in 1914.

Sums it up really.

But one of these videos with Essendon as the star? Collingwood. Because of course. It's a goal smack bang in the middle of this utter nonsense run of close wins from the past 4 years.

You know the one.

Round 19, 2022.

Essendon have a chance to seal the game. They miss, because of course, and hand the ball back to Collingwood with 45 ticks remaining. 

Now I went back and watched this video for research purposes, and thankfully I know a plasterer, because my phone went flying across the room, just as it did watching it live in 2022.

The notoriously amazing Essendon structure and penetrative fortress means in 13 seconds and 3 kicks, Jamie Elliott has marked the ball inside 50, and is suddenly lining up a shot to win the game. 

And he fucking flushes it. 

Because of fucking course.

At the time, that was Collingwood's 9th straight win, 6 of them by 10 points or less. If you go back and listen to Craig McRae talk about this period, his answer to how they keep winning these games is basically 🤷‍♂️. 

4 weeks later, Elliott, who Milena and I affectionately refer to as PigDog, kicks a last-minute goal against Milena's mob Carlton to secure the Pies top 4 spot, and knock the Blues out of the finals.

3 more wins from 4 games since the Essendon game, with an average winning margin of 4.67 points. 

Ludicrous.

In that 2022 season I told Kev and Dave after every close win that they had to drop one of them. The footy gods do not fuck around, and the Magpies were playing Final Destination. 

Much to my joy, the wheel did in fact turn, and the footy gods finally caught them. 1 point loss to Sydney in a prelim. 

Chefs kiss. No notes.

I thought the tin-arsery must have finally been over. But nope. They win a fucking flag the next season, by 4 points, after the most ludicrous advantage call I've ever seen. The umpires personally delivered the Pies their 16th flag like they were Tom Hanks at the end of Castaway.

And yet, Kev still blames the umpires every week. Sometimes consistency is taken for granted, but sometimes it's so impressive that you can't help but be in awe in its presence. 

A Collingwood blowout win, 2-point scare, or 5 goal loss, one thing in life is a sure bet - Kev will be informing me first thing on a Monday morning about how the umpires fucked the Pies.

He still tells me about the ham sandwich Wayne Harmes knocked out the lady’s hand in the 7th row in 1979. 

He still brings up Willie Rioli's "block" in the 2018 Grand Final, even though he was merely protecting the drop zone as any good forward should; Dom Sheed just happened to be there - and fuck what a kick that was. Even fewer notes than the prelim loss to Sydney.

But still - always those OPSM sponsored umpires.

So, 3 seasons later, and the same bullshit keeps happening. Hell, it’s happened the last 2 weeks!

They beat the Suns because Nick Daicos clearly saw a blade of grass he liked the look of, and thought he would grab it with his head, catching an errant bit of air on the way down and drawing a free kick.

They beat North last night via North shitting the bed and not putting the game on ice when they had the chance, and boy did they have chances.

I guess the question is - where do we go from here? 

I feel like Jesse Pinkman screaming that they can't keep getting away with this, but then they just keep fucking doing it, and keep my anger rising every time they do.

Maybe there's only one solution - activate full John Wick and go find that witch doctor. Maybe I'll spare his life in return for granting Essendon with the same maximum tin-arsery bestowed upon Collingwood.

Or, more likely, he'll look at the state of my club, give me a hug, and tell me that there's not enough magic juju in the greater universe that could work on us.